I am an optimistic person overall, I don’t complain about my life or any stresses we have. I am positive and have a good outlook.
Recently I have been feeling like something is missing. I think it is the approaching holidays because every year around this time I feel like I am missing someone, who? I don’t know but it is this feeling that never seems to bother me any other time of the year.
I used to go shopping with my mother every year on the day after thanksgiving. Obviously that is not possible now since we are home all winter, but I wonder if I am missing family and friends. At the time of the year when everyone is so happy and bustling around I am at home with nothing to occupy my mind.
When I get into this mood I lose some of my positivity and once that begins it snowballs until I am seriously out of control in behavior and attitude.
Do I realize what I say and do is wrong? Yes! Does this change anything? No.
Jake obviously does not have the patience for my “childish behavior” and is quick to reprimand me. I have literally felt more of the sting of his leather belt than I have of his loving touch over the last 24 hours.
In a normal situation this would have me feeling remorseful and calm but the sad, lonely, empty feeling remains this time. Do I try and not get in trouble? Of course! But my mood remains and I inevitably find myself bare and punished.
I just want this feeling to go away so I can go just a few hours and maybe a few days without punishment. Jake doesn’t seem to understand what I am going through and that makes the whole situation even worse.
I am going to make some hot tea and sit out on the porch for awhile and hopefully it will calm my inner restlessness.
I have heard that God knows your entire life before you are ever born. This fact is a little disturbing to me, mostly because I wonder, is this what God had planned? Did he really think that I would be here, right now, with Jake and living the life we do?
I know that he says for a wife to obey her husband and there are different references to physical discipline in the bible.
Am I leading the life he wanted, did I choose the right path, allow him to guide me, or did I make a wrong turn, stray off my destiny and wind up here?
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my life, I love Jake and love the life we have, but at times I wonder if all along I was supposed to end up right here.
I talked to my sister-in-law today and she was discussing how upsetting her life was. She had always wanted to be a mother and now that she was she felt tired and old, it was noting like she had planned.
So that got me thinking…what had my plans been before this? Definitely not being disciplined by my husband. I had a college degree I was set to changing the world, but life is more complicated than that. I ended up behind a desk doing more reports than seeing patients. I was bored and miserable. When Jake came into my life it was like a new adventure, fun, exciting, and a little bit taboo.
Looking back, I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t been with Jake. Would I be living a dream life? Would I be with someone completely opposite of Jake? Or is this where I was destined to end up?
Quite a bit has happened over the past weeks while I have been without Internet. The roads leading away from our house are officially closed for the season, not to be opened until June…May if we have a mild winter.
So J is working from home now and we are locked in our cozy house…alone…all day…twenty four hours each day. Normally this isn’t an issue but for the past month J has been in a bad mood making the term “walking on eggshells” an understatement. But things seemed to settle down and we lived in relative peace for awhile. But Jake has been having work issues, issues that are spilling over into our life as he snaps at me for little things and his fuse grows shorter and shorter.
There are many things involved in punishment that are seen as controversial….well I guess any punishment from a husband to a wife is seen as controversial in different circles. Jake has always implemented various aspects of punishment that are not usually seen in even DD circles, it is not something that has bothered me in any way but it seems these “extracurricular” punishments are coming more frequently than ever before. And now they are ALWAYS paired with spanking. This has become a constant in our marriage. Does he punish unfairly? I can’t say that as I am fully aware of his rules and fully aware of the consequences, but it seems that little infractions are now carrying BIG consequences.
The warning signs have disappeared as his fuse is easily ignited leaving no warning before punishment. Although it is a change, it has made me more aware of my words and my actions and yet I still falter and fail leading to a very sorry and very sore Sydney.
It isn’t much different than the years before, but even subtle changes can throw me off and give me unease. A harsher punishment, added extracurricular punishments, it just makes me aware that something is different and I know soon it will all become normal but I hate the interim days until then, unsure of what to expect and unsure how far I can actually push before punishment is certain.
I just wish this new normal would feel more normal. I trust Jake in knowing what is right for our marriage, I just wish he could have warned me of the new changes. But maybe he doesn’t even realize the new path we are heading down, maybe it is an unconscious knowing of what is needed right now in our lives?
Well I have been missing for a long time. We had some technical difficulties at home with my computer but hopefully things are all fixed now.
The past few weeks have been good, Jake had been working in his office most of the day, and although I can hear his muffled voice through the door, it still feels lonely sometimes while I am cleaning. And then not having a working laptop…it was hard! Jake fixed it and I know he is a smart guy, but I still worry about it breaking again!
I had hoped to write a long post today, it feels like forever since I have been online, but I feel sick today so I am going to keep this short and go snuggle in my bed with some hot tea and take a long nap! I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am okay and back online 
There are some days where everything I say or do is wrong. Today is one of those days.
J will normally give me at least two warnings before punishing me. He knows I am not perfect so he let’s little things slide and I have learned to catch those warnings weather it be a look, a word, or a direct order to “watch it”.
Today there are no warnings, it is like he has a short fuse or no fuse at all.
J woke up in a bad mood and you would think that since he is in his office most of the day it wouldn’t be a problem. Seriously how often can a girl get in trouble at home with him in his closed off office? Well I can verify to… A lot!
Jake obviously prefers spanking over all else, he says it sends a clear message, but he has so many different punishment options that he will use sometimes.
One of those non-spanking punishments is what he calls “reflection time” basically it is corner time.
I have reflected and reflected and reflected for the better part of today.
This last one was because he thought I was too loud on the phone in the other room. Seriously? This is not something I have ever been punished over, he isn’t a cruel control freak or anything, but he is overly sensitive today so I am just going to ride the wave until it passes.
So my reflection time was pretty pointless, in my mind, so I was reflecting and thinking about a bunch of things.
I was trying to figure out, on average, how often I am punished. So, I am horrible with math, so this actually occupied my mind for awhile.
Based on my not so scientific calculations, I am punished, on average, every two days! That seems like a lot huh? and there were so many variables that I know the result is not reliable in any sense, nothing I could predict or mark on a calendar.
But it got me thinking…4 years of DD and I am still punished so frequently? I am not a bad girl, I am pleasant and polite, respectful and obedient. So why am I being punished so often? It is not something that I have thought about or worried about before, but I have never really looked at a long term picture of it.
And then I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don’t want it to stop. I couldn’t imagine our marriage without this aspect of it. And in a weird way the most severe punishments are the most cathartic for me.
When my husband falters in his strength I am not only confused but also scared. I am really at a loss right now, I have no idea what to do.
It has been over four years since I married J. From the beginning he has always been the strong one, leading me, teaching me, making me stronger. Never has he told me that I am not good enough or brave enough to do anything.
I was a broken mess when we met. I had been hurt by those I trusted most and had sworn off relationships for good. Jake was safe. He was a friend so I didn’t have to worry about any of the boy-girl drama with him. I could be myself. He is the only man that had ever seen the real me.
The first thing he taught me was shown to me without him even trying. I hated men, the majority are sex crazed, heartless jerks. Just look around and you will agree. The top industry in the world right now is porn…enough said!
J was different. He has this wholesomeness that shines in his eyes and his smile is so genuine and true. I watched him, studied him, just waiting for him to screw up. Just to see one side long look at a busty blonde would have told me that he was just like all the other men. But he never messed up, he was so good I thought for sure he was a con artist. Well, he wasn’t. He is just that guy that cherishes the one he is with and nobody, on TV or in real life will ever snag his gaze away from the one he loves. I knew then that good guys weren’t just in fairy tales, I learned to trust again, to believe that good men did exist.
And throughout our platonic friendship Jake was the only one who saw the pain behind my smiles, the scars that nobody else could see. In little ways he taught me to forget the pain but not the lessons. He taught me to let go of all the bad things in my mind and in my memories to make room for better things, beautiful things. He taught me to love again.
And that was when he went from being the safe man to becoming the most dangerous man out there. But he was so gentle and kind, leading me from scared and broken to strong and fearless. Letting me know that it’s ok to love again. J has done for me what nobody ever could, he took a broken girl and turned her into someone strong and confident.
It’s funny really that I can feel so strong when he is so dominant, but it works.
Jake has been my biggest fan and strongest shoulder to lean on, so when he falters I get scared.
Issues at work are testing his patience, cracking into his confidence and it inevitably spills over into our life.
When this happens, J becomes needy and insecure, completely different from the man I know. I try my best to make him feel better but sometimes the issue is beyond my scope of knowledge.
I am really not good with words, I like to think he can handle it on his own and will be back to normal soon, but history has told me this is not the case. He needs me now and I have to find a way to make it better.
So I start by praising him for his work..”that looks amazing,” “what would the company do without you” etc. and this doesn’t help, actually I think it made him even angrier with whatever is going on there.
So then I made sure to make him feel needed and special to me, but still he is sulking. I really need to get a How To book on saying the right thing in tough situations.
I really was at a loss for words and grasping for anything to make him feel better so I just said, “I’m sorry.”
Jake pulled me into his lap, and he held me for a few minutes, not speaking, just holding me. Did it change anything, no, but it still felt nice to me.
Why can’t I just know the right thing to say, the magic words to make everything better? I feel so inept. I am his wife, I am supposed to know how to read his moods, how to say the right things, do the right things to make everything better.
I was so naive and blind last night that all we talked about was how I feel, what I need and completely bypassed the root of it all, the problems he was having at work that started it all.
I finally got to talk to J about inside fears and worries that he doesn’t trust me, but I guess I am the kind of girl who can never take the easy road.
Show me two paths and unintentionally I will stumble onto the harder path with big boulders and ditches and blind curves.
The phrase I hear most from J is “watch your tone!!”
I am actually really careful with my words overall, but for some reason my emotions are easily revealed in my tone, even if I can’t recognize what I am feeling.
Yesterday I was surprised around lunch time when J pulled up the drive. Apparently, he will be working from home now. That’s not really unexpected but J usually waits until they close the road to our house for the season before staying home. So I start wondering if he is starting early this year because he thinks he needs to keep an eye on me.
So my doubts about J’s trust in me started growing, and we all know how these things can multiply within seconds, completely consuming all of my thoughts, but I wasn’t going to say anything. I didn’t want to start an argument, so I kept my thoughts to myself and welcomed him home with a smile and a kiss and made him lunch.
But the thoughts kept building, one on top of another until I felt like the whole issue was suffocating me. I was consumed by these thoughts…This is my explanation for my outburst, gotta blame something, right?
After keeping quiet and trying so hard not to cause any friction, I completely lost it! We were eating lunch and Jake asked what I had been up to all day.
Looking back, I realize his tone was completely innocent, but at the time it sounded like his voice was full of doubt and disbelief, completely uncaring. I am sure my doubts and worries manifested this in my mind, but at the time it sounded very real to me.
And so I snapped, not like crazy throwing dishes, screaming at the top of my lungs, snapped, just snapped in my resolve to keep quiet…so I may have said something along the lines of, “sleeping with my boyfriend” childish and petty, yes, but hey, he obviously didn’t trust me or he wouldn’t be home.
He said, “Syd!”
I said, “what?”
He said, “watch it”
I said, “or what? Are you going to babysit me at Lindsay’s again? Or maybe you should make sure my dentist isn’t sleeping with me, and God forbid I go to my doctor again.” Well, ridicule is a great way to induce anger, I know, I saw his eyes change from confusion, to hurt, to anger. there went my mouth again, getting me in trouble!
“Enough!” he said but this time he was already up and across the table. “you just can’t keep your tone in check!”
My reply, “My tone is fine, it’s YOUR tone that needs to be watched.”
Well, he was not happy. Not only was I being rude and sarcastic, but I also went against one of his biggest rules…I said God forbid.
Jake grew up in a church, literally. His father was a pastor. J is a really good man He doesn’t curse, has never done drugs or smoked cigarettes. He wont even watch television because he doesn’t like how women are dressed in close to nothing no matter what show. And above all he lives by the bible. Saying God in any manner besides prayer is a big no-no!
I am a Christian and I agree, but I believe that it is the context with which it is used that determines if it is wrong. A curse word is not really a curse word without the context, right?
Well I know what J’s genuine God given convictions are and knew the moment it left my mouth that he would not be happy, but I was on a roll.
I don’t try to talk anyone out of their convictions, no matter what they are, that isn’t my place, it isn’t my job to judge.
Long story short, J did punish and rather thoroughly I must say. I hate to admit this, but the punishment actually calmed me down, put things back into perspective and we were able to have a really great conversation about my fears.
I asked him point blank if he didn’t trust me. I laid it all out there, every clue I had, every thought and feeling.
He said, ” I wasn’t checking up on you, Syd, I knew you were in town. I had it in with two of the partners and things were getting out of hand. I needed to get out of there.”
I said, “ok, I guess I overreacted.”
He turned me to look at him and said, “Sydney, it was just to see you, always you. I went to Lindsay’s because I was so angry about work. I was on auto pilot, my head was a mess, all I could think was I needed you, to see you, hold you, be with you. You make me feel good, you make all the bad better”
He is so sweet! So we just held each other for hours talking. It was exactly what we both needed. I guess in all the day to day monotony we forget to take some time away from it all to just be us, just be together away from the world.
Today J is home, working diligently in his office. And even though we are separated by the office door, I feel a closeness to him that has been missing in our marriage for awhile.
And to make everything even better we have snow!
An important part of any relationship is trust, but in a DD relationship I think trust is the foundation. Obviously the woman needs to trust that her husband will not use his leadership to stifle her or punish her unless warranted. I also trust that J will not break bones or otherwise injure me excessively.
This trust is hard to achieve. People, by nature, are prone to acting before thinking especially when emotionally motivated. Anger is a strong emotion. When in anger people act impulsively and lose control.
I trust J, even in anger, knowing he will not lose control and injure me unnecessarily. Without this I don’t think our relationship would work.
I have seen a lot of info online about trust in a DD relationship, but most of the information is geared toward women trusting their men or submissives trusting their dominants. I wonder, what about trust from the dominant to the submissive?
I have a feeling that J doesn’t trust me. I know everyone has doubts from time to time, we live in a society full of temptations. I tried to think of areas in my life that may possibly be subject to his worries. I really can’t think of much. I am home every day, taking care of the house and J. I leave the house to visit friends and that doesn’t happen often, any other times I am away from the house J is with me. He knows who I call or text and there has never been any odd phone numbers I couldn’t explain.
I went today to visit friends, we went to lunch and then to one of the girls houses. While at her house J shows up. He said he had gotten off work early, which this time of year is unheard of. J knew I was in town to see friends and knew where I would be, but still he showed up as if to check up on me. I am not sure if that was his real intention but it sure felt like it.
We stayed for awhile and then said our good-bye’s. I felt like I got no time with my friends. An hour or two maybe? I don’t know if Lindsay felt J was being controlling or jealous, but I really hope not. When we talk tomorrow she will definitely tell me if she did. She is very big on making sure J is treating me right and not afraid to share her opinion.
We drove home separately and I could see Jake in my rearview mirror the whole time. It almost felt like I was a prisoner being escorted back to jail even though he wasn’t acting upset or angry in any way. Sometimes you just know things without being able to explain why.
So now we are home, early, and Jake went into his office right after we got home to finish some work. Doesn’t that seem like he left work too early? If he wasn’t finished why would he leave?
I know that J can tend to be jealous at times, but this only happens when he feels that his position as my husband is being threatened. I can’t see how he would think that with my friends. I have known them since college and they have been a part of my life our entire marriage and it has never been an issue.
I have e-mail and phone conversations that he shows no interest in. He will listen when I tell him what my conversation was about, but doesn’t require it or anything. J knows about this blog and knows I write frequently but he has never asked to read it and has not restricted me from writing anything besides giving out name, address, phone number etc, but that is just basic online safety issues.
I guess this trust issue is a “time will tell” thing. I would not be upset or hurt if I found out he had reservations with his trust for me, I think I would feel bad for him because it brings out insecurities and doubt, not something I would ever want to feel.
J is in the office now, so I can’t talk to him and find out any clues to this mystery. I am hoping he at least takes a break for dinner and maybe we can talk then. Any advice is appreciated. I am at a loss on how to even bring the subject up.
After an eventful weekend it feels good to be back to the normal routine. J left early this morning and I started in on house chores. Maybe it is a psychological phenomenon or just me but whenever I am working around the house after a particularly harsh punishment, I seem to work faster and more efficiently. I wonder if subconsciously I want to please J along with avoid further punishments, a sort of survival instinct from ancestors long ago.
Either way I have accomplished a lot in the few hours I have been up. I put my call into Caroline already, mostly to get it out of the way so I didn’t sit and worry over it all day. It was pleasant enough, although she talked the whole time about her kids and I really don’t have any experience with kids so it wasn’t particularly entertaining for me. But I did it and now I don’t have to think about it again until tomorrow.
The weather today is chilly and you can smell the change in season fast approaching. I think daylight savings time is soon and I am excited for the change. I enjoy the early evenings and dark mornings.
I am going into town to visit a few friends today. There is news that snow will hit soon so I want to see everyone before the snow hits. Although who knows what will happen or when, weather is so volatile around here. Cold one day, hot the next.
